I think there is a point in life when you owe it to yourself to be truthful. Not because you have been lying to others, but because you have tried to hide the truth from yourself. You have denied admitting that you know the source of the toxicity that has been causing you pain. Why? Probably because it means admitting that someone is capable of hurting you without any remorse.
One thing I have learned in life is that everyone we meet has a purpose in our personal journey. And while that is a simple enough concept to grasp, it is identifying that purpose which is the difficult part. We confuse their roles and sometimes even elevate their status in our minds, convincing ourselves that they are essential to our happiness and well-being. After all, they wouldn’t have come into our lives and made us happy if they weren’t supposed to stay, right?
So, so wrong.
Think about the person you turn to in your time of need. Think about your moments of weakness. Those moments when life overwhelms you. It happens. It definitely happens to me. My mind is enveloped in a cloud of negativity – no escape, no light at the end of the tunnel. The only thing I know to do is reach out for help. I reach out to the person who knows exactly how to lift that cloud. But are they there? That person that you reach out to as a last ditch effort to rescue you from the torment. Do they put aside their pride, their selfishness, their notions of what they should and should not do? Do they even respond to see if you made it home? No? Then why do you keep trying? Why do you keep looking for the good in them when they giving you any reason to find any?
Over the past few months I have met so many new people. Some have been reminders of why I dream of cities in far away lands because they make me feel as though there is nothing here to allow me to soar. But then I meet a couple of people who keep me grounded and show me that specks of light exist among the darkness.
Exhibit A – a boy who brought tears to my eyes with the first words he said to me. I am almost ten years older than he is, and we have never met, but his existence in itself is enough to bring me happiness. The first words he said to me were words of gratitude for creating this blog because it helped him see a different side of life. And since then, he has spent every few days checking up on me to see how I am doing. In all honesty, this young boy who barely knows me makes more of an effort to ensure that I am happy than most other people in my life. And while I do not always admit to him when I am in a less than stellar mood, his energetic nature is enough to make me forget some of my worries.
Exhibit B – a girl who I spoke to at a random cafe a few nights ago. The look of pain in her eyes when I explained to her one of the reasons why I wanted to start this blog – the passing of a friend – was enough to show me that this is how people in your life should be. No, they do not need to be your saviours. And no, they do not need to check up on you every day to be a good friend. But they do need to care.
I wrote a little quote on my personal Instagram a few weeks ago (7, according to my IG!) and it is sadly still relevant:
“When you show them the cracks in your soul and their response is to leave you on your own to fight unarmed, then you know you need to stop hoping they will be the answer”. – R.A.
I think my biggest mistake is hoping that someone will save me from my anxiety and when they do not, my anxiety is exacerbated to a level that is unbearable because deep down I know that they do not care about me as much as I want them to. They cannot be the answer and they will not. I need to be the answer. But at the same time, we were not put on this earth to live life alone. We need companionship, be it through family, friendship or a romantic connection. If you reach out to someone and your request is ignored, you have to stop asking. These people will never be the person you want them to be. You have to accept that they did have a purpose in your life – just not the purpose you thought. Maybe they helped you mature. Maybe they helped you realise your own strength. But they were not brought into your life to be your answer.
I may have thought these same thoughts 7 weeks ago and fallen into the same habit. But that is okay. I am learning and my strength is increasing. One day I will be able to look to myself for strength, or use the strength of those that are meant to be in my life permanently. But for now I will just continue to learn and grow.
I don’t need you as much as you think I do.
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